Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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