i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
