Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
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He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
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I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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