she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
