just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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