I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
