When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
