if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
