I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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