Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
