why didn't you poke me back
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
