Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
