The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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