i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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