I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
