I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
