Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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