Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
