I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
