I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
