Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
