PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Michael Bay diarrhea
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
being pregnant is like rehab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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