Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
