My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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