haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
