I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
