he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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