How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
