my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
