Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
