well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
