I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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