It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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