He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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