Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
How external is "for external use only"?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
