Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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