just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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