He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
