If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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