i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
