Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
