About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
