your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
