so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
