Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
