i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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