I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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