You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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