There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
