in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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