John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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