I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
