I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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