No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
NoShamevember. You game?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
