just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
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I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
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doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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