On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
