Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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