I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
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