I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
