Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
