Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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